Autumn Rayne Boren: 1994-2012 – Goodbye Precious Dog

Today we lost a most precious friend – our dog Autumn. She was a wonderful dog and a constant companion. I can still vividly remember the day I picked her up – she was the only girl in the litter and the only red one. We played together for a few minutes and she came right over and sat in my lap, like she knew we were supposed to have one another. I spent almost every day with her from that day until today – what now seems a very short 17 1/2 years. As I think about all of the changes my life has gone through in that time, she is the one that was there through it all.

She loved frisbee, begging and – most of all – camping and hiking. The first time I took her to Billy Creek Campground she blazed trails, swam in the stream, warmed in the campfire, and ate camp food. On the way out of the campground, she jumped from my car window and sprinted back to the campsite – it took some convincing for her to get back in the car to go home. This is how I will remember her – at her most happy and free.

I am so grateful for having such a wonderful dog for such a long time – I already miss her so much it hurts terribly. Autumn you were so loved and will be so missed.

Elevation

The last week has been so very nice – Quinn has a 2-week Spring Break, which means I pretty much have too. The winter is over – sooner than usual, but I’m so thankful because – let’s face it – this winter sucked so very much. I have been able to do many of the things I enjoy – I read Eragon, watched season 1 of Game of Thrones, worked in my yard, went to the movies, museum of Osteology, etc, etc. Quinn and I have had brunch every morning and just let the day go however we want. I was jogging around the neighborhood last week and tried to savor the perfect weather before the stifling heat and ravenous mosquitoes descend. There was evidence everywhere of people cutting away the old, dead things and replacing them with fresh, vibrant life. I could have just kept going for hours, listening to my 80′s alternative station on Slacker and soaking in the sights and smells of the Spring. OK – it wasn’t totally Disney – I still had to avoid some scary stray dogs and watched a homeless man on a bench guzzle a big bottle of mouthwash. The thing is, though, this week everything feels possible – feels more positive than negative – feels like the pull toward something good. I look forward to upcoming adventures and the ability to somehow keep this good feeling going. Happy Spring Break everyone!

No Excuses

Most people know that Florence Nightingale is the founder of modern nursing – she was a pretty impressive lady for her time. One of her famous quotes goes:

“I attribute my success to this – I never gave or took any excuse.”

It’s inevitable to do a little reflecting about the course of our lives, habits, etc. between New Year’s resolutions and Lent. I don’t really go in for either, but I also recognize that I could always do better -  always be better. So, I’m going to give not taking or making excuses a try. I’m not sure my students will like it much, but I feel it could help me focus on what I truly want to accomplish. Here goes….

F#*@ You, February!

So, I have to say that this is one of the worst months ever. Now that I think about it, I have always hated February. When I was in high school and living in New Hampshire, February always marked the depths of my seasonal affective disorder – aptly named S.A.D. I didn’t know that’s what it was until much later, but the cold and dark sent me into a depression that didn’t lift until around April. Over the years it’s become a month of more terrible events, such as:

• The death of my mother
• The death of my best friend
• The death of treasured pets
• Family members having terrible health related events

As if this month weren’t bad enough, this year there’s an extra crappy day added. I hope for the strength to get through these next few days and look forward to the light, warmth and renewal of Spring. You suck, February!

The Meaning of it All…..(Re-post from February 20th)

I was talking to my husband last night about starting this blog – I wanted to name it something that related to Chris and our friendship. During our first camping trip together, I woke up in the morning with terribly messed up hair – somehow between my shortness and hair sticking up, Chris thought I looked like Woodstock. Over the years, it just kind of stuck. When we talked about hiking the Appalachian Trail, Woodstock was to be my trail name. It’s funny, because when I look at pictures of Snoopy and Woodstock, I see Chris and I. They are a perfect example of best friends – together through all kinds of experiences. They laugh together and cry together. They camp and write, they complain and love. I don’t know where this will lead or if I am even clear in my purpose for writing it- to connect with others? To work through my grief? To remember what my real priorities and dreams truly are? Maybe it will last for a week, maybe for years. It doesn’t really matter. Whatever comes – whenever I write here, a part of me will be thinking of Chris.

UP. (Re-post from February 19th)

I attended the memorial service of my best friend, Chris, yesterday. It was incredibly perfect – the atmosphere felt like him. I sat there and listened to others say witty, heartfelt, insightful and wonderful words about him. I wanted to speak too, but I just couldn’t. First, I couldn’t stop crying long enough and second, I felt that I didn’t have the words – that they wouldn’t be right – they wouldn’t be enough.
So….I decided I would take a crack at doing something I haven’t taken the time to do in a long time – write about my life. I picture this little blog as a link to Chris – a way to have a cup of coffee and chat about things – from the mundane to the extraordinary. Things that make me smile and things that keep me going. I want to carry Chris with me in as many ways as I can.
I admit, I spent some serious time this week lamenting all of the things we had planned to do together that now can’t happen. I felt very cheated and angry. I was able to spend some time with his wife, Cindy, today at the zoo. It was a beautiful day, but I couldn’t help noticing the palpable feeling that Chris wasn’t there, and the overwhelming desire for things to be different. Before we left, I hugged CIndy and hoped she would be OK – wanted it to be better soon. I thought of the movie UP – I thought of Carl and Ellie’s Adventure Book and their special club. The love they had was special, precious and timeless just like Chris and Cindy’s. It’s hard to start a new adventure without a person you love,
I realize how short-sighted I am sometimes – he can still be with us in lots of ways. And he will be. Being friends with Chris was a wonderful journey – one I will forever treasure and will look back on with laughter and love. So here’s to opening our hearts to the future – to finding a new adventure!

Missing my Mom

Wow – somehow it has been 5 years since I lost my mom to cancer – I hate cancer! I can’t say how hard it is to lose your mom – it’s the worst. Let’s face it – no one loves and accepts you like your mom. I miss my mom every time my son does something new, every time I need to talk, every time I need anything at all. I wrote this poem about my mom a few years ago and I never shared it, but here goes:

 

I remember reading about collateral circulation

When I was in nursing school –

The heart or the brain form alternate pathways

For the blood to take when the major vessels

Become diseased or unusable

I thought-

What a shame- somehow the 40 pack year smoker

Live because they have adapted  and the marathon

Runner dies in an instant –

What sense does this make?

My mom died not far past her 50^th birthday –

We had a cake and she danced, waving her oxygen hose.

I was born when she was 16 – she always made a point

To say 17 because she was so close.

I endured many of the effects of having a teenage mother-

Not much money, not much time, drugs, divorce, remarriage,

Grandparents that believed they were my parents.

I developed collateral circulation – I learned to be tough,

Endure hardship and loneliness and those things that go

Along with being the product of a teen romance and

A thoughtless night of fun on my Uncle Bobby’s couch.

I was an only child until I was a teen – I had 2 brothers

Blessed with a stay-at-home mom and a father that didn’t drink

Until he couldn’t bear to live anymore.

Such little treasures they were – and spared of all the

Tragedies I felt I endured.

Our mother died when she was just past her 50^th birthday –

My brothers still in high school – they watched her

Endure radiation and chemotherapy during the most

Important and formative years of their lives. They did

Not form any collateral vessels – the tragedy came as the

Massive MI comes to the marathon runner – unexpected

And devastating.

How can I, just a sister, graft the vessels they need –

To their hearts, to their brains, so that they may survive

And live through this devastating event?

I try, mom, but I don’t know how to sew the grafts –

I am clumsy and uneducated – one day I hope to get the stitch down

And save all of our lives.